Convos with Kids #247365711: Maybe

K-Mad: Mom, can we watch a movie when we get home?

Me: Maybe

K-Mad: That means sometimes yes, sometimes no. 

Bud: No. That means no. 

K-Mad: No, Bud! It means sometimes yes and sometimes no!

Bud: Nu-uh! When Mommy says, “Maybe,” she always means, “No.” You don’t know! 

K-Mad: That’s not true! I do so know!

Lady J: Actually, he’s right, K-Mad. You haven’t been around as long as we have but trust us, maybe is mom code for no. 

K-Mad: Daddy? When we get home can we watch a movie? 

Convos with Kids #247365711: How to get your Children to Never Brush Their Teeth Again

Overheard while doing the dishes:

MTK, for the 4th time: It’s time to brush teeth! 

Kids: continuing to ignore him

MTK: You have to go straight to bed if you don’t brush your teeth. 1, 2… K-Mad, where are you going?

K-Mad: Stwaight to bed. 

MTK: But you have to brush your teeth. 

K-Mad: But you dust said ta go to bed if I don’t bwush my teef…

#wellplayed #touchƩ #parentingfail

Convos With Kids #247365711: A Glimpse into the Future

The following conversation happened 5 minutes ago, but I’m fairly certain it was supposed to take place 12 years from now…

K-Mad, out of nowhere and with all the sass and attitude of a full fledged teen, left hand on hip, right hand waving in the air: Uh! Mom! Why do you always ask me if I’m smoking?!?! I told you alweady! I! Do! Not! Smoke! 

Me, having no idea what she’s talking about: Uuuuummmm…. What are you talking about?

K: I don’t smoke. It’s just not healfy, ya know. I know that alweady! I’m tired of telling you this! Uuuuh! I! Do! Not! Smoke!

Me, still scratching my head: Well, alrighty then… Thank you for not smoking? 

K: You! Awe! Welcome!

Seriously looking forward to her teenage years…and possible bording schools…

#ThankYouForNotSmoking #GlimpseIntoTheFuture #NoJustNo

Convos with Kids #24.7.365-7.11: Observations of a 4 Year Old

Part 1: Childhood Is

Childhood is the view from the car window and sudden realization with honest awe that geese really do fly in a V formation while “Here Come the Geese” by Barenaked Ladies plays in the background… 

——————–

Part 2: Amore

Me, singing mindlessly to myself: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore…

K-Mad: That’s a funny song! What does it mean?

Me: Huh. I never really thought about it. I guess it’s that feeling you get when you see someone you love. It brightens your mood up like the light from a full moon brightens the sky. I guess it makes your eyes brighten up too when you look at someone you love. 

K: Like how Daddy looks when he sees you?

—————-

Part 3: Here We Grow

K-Mad: Mom, did you know vat da wowd is Vvvvvery not berry? I can say it! Ver-ry! Very! Did ya heaw that? Guess I’m gwowing up and gettin’ bigga…

Convos with Kids #24.7.365-7.11: AnticipationĀ 

Me: K-Mad! It’s time to get ready to go to Eva’s birthday party!
K, very excited: Is tomorrow today?

Me: Yes! Yesterday, today was tomorrow, but now tomorrow is today!

K: Oh yay! I waited a whole day for that to happen and now it’s finally here! (Runs to share the news with J & B) Guys! Guess what! Tomorrow is today! It really is! I’m so excited! It finally happened! 

#thiskid

CWK 24.7.365-7.11: On DementiaĀ 

(The original convo took place on January 14, 2014. Thanks “Facebook memories” for this gem šŸ˜‰)

A group from a nursing home was at the community center while I was there with Lady J & Bud. One woman was particularly drawn to the kids and wanted to play air hockey with them. After leaving the kids were wondering why she was playing with her hands and why she didn’t know the rules, among other behaviors. A conversation about getting older, more forgetful, and dementia ensued. This was the end of it:

Bud: Oh gee. I hope I don’t get de-men-ta

J: That’s ok if you do, buddy. You won’t remember anyway!

CWK #24.7.365-7.11: The F Word

Lady J, timidly: Mom? What does fuck mean?

Bud: Heh, heh. Fuck.

Me, more than a bit dumbstruck: Where did you hear that word?

J: Stewart* asked me if I know what the “F” word is and I told him, “No.” Then Mathew* spelled it: f-u-c-k. I told them I didn’t know that word, but I could sound it out. Mom? What does fuck mean?

Inner-momologue: Oh Fuck! Crappity crap crap fuck this shit and the asshole who mentioned it to a second grader and now my kids know it, even though I’ve probably fucked up a few times in front of them too, FUCK!

Me: Well, first of all you should both know that it is a word that is rude, disrespectful, and will get you sent to Mr. Wollensky’s* office immediately, should you say it at school. In school, it’s worse than “stupid” or even “hate”. It will also get you sent to your room at home.

J: I know that, but what does it mean?

Me: Well, most adults use it when something goes wrong, like “Oh no!” or, “Oh dear!” 

J: Why wouldn’t they just say, “Oh no” or, “Oh dear” then? Or even, “Oh my goodness?”

Me: Sometimes, in the adult world, things go so wrong that a stronger word comes to mind first. It’s not polite, but it happens. 

Bud: Fuck! I can’t buckle my seatbelt! Heh, heh, heh. 

Me: Bud, you may not use that word. Not even to repeat it. Next time, it’s a timeout. No warnings. 

Bud: Poop. Well, I guess that’s ok. 

J: But, Mom, if it just means, “Oh no,” then why is it a bad word. What does it really mean?

Inner momologue: Fuuuuuuuuuck!

Me: I honestly need to discuss this with Daddy before telling you the real definition of the word.

J: Why do you need to talk to Daddy about what a word means?

Me: You asked a great question and I want to answer it honestly, yet appropriately. It’s a word that has some pretty grownup meanings and I want to make sure Daddy and I are both present for this conversation…

… The conversation we had at dinner included explaining that the word “fuck” was a derogatory word that often referred to disrespectful references towards outer appearances and inappropriate behavior. In their language we used terms such as “bucket dipping” and “bullying” and made sure that they knew it was a word that is never acceptable to use towards another person nor to be accepted in a humorous manner when directed at another person. We let them know that anyone who refers to them using that word is not a friend and that they may stand up for up for themselves, while they also have an obligation to stand up for others if that word is used against them and to report it to us, a teacher, or another trusted adult….I hope it fucking worked….

#innocencelost #herewegrow #convoswithkids #thefword #sothathappened

*all names have been changed

The End of InnocenceĀ 

Yesterday, while cleaning off my desk, I moved a picture Lady J drew for Toothiana, our tooth fairy, to put in her keepsake binder and accidentally left it out in plain sight before properly filing it. Of course she found it and asked why I still had it. Trying to think fast, I told her that Toothiana returned it to me so that I could save the memory just as Toothiana saves the original memory in the teeth she collects. If you’ve read William Joyce’s books about the Guardians of Childhood or seen the movie Rise of the Guardians, this makes sense, and J accepted this as truth. 

Today, while on the phone to his parents, Mr. TheKing mentioned that I go to the bank to get two dollar bills all the time. We only use two dollar bills for tooth fairy money. J was within earshot and immediately looked at both of us with The Look

…Looking forward to tomorrow night’s bedtime conversation, you know, once she has time to mull it all around for a bit longer…

#SoThatHappened #ParentingFail #TheEndOfInnocence #HereWeGrow

  

CWK #24-7-365.7-11: The Crush

Me: Why do you look so glum?

Lady J: Someone has a crush on me. 

Me: Ok…Why are you upset about this?

J: Because I’m just not ready for crushes. I’m not old enough. 

Me: Well I’m glad you recognize that and I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the universe, your father’s hair just started to grow back. But, J, a crush isn’t a bad thing. 

J: It’s not?

Me: No! It just means that this boy recognizes how special you are! It should fill your bucket! 

J: But I’m not ready to have a crush on anybody. 

Me: That’s very mature of you! You don’t have to have a crush on anybody. But it is important to be respectful of this boy’s feelings and not to dip into his bucket through unkind words or actions. Just keep being you… Incidentally, how do you know he has a crush on you?

J: Matthew* told me that David* has a crush on me. So I asked David if that was true and he said, “Yes.”

Me: Huh. Well you were brave to find out the truth and David was brave to tell you. Great job! I’m curious though, is Connor* still your boyfriend?

J: Mom, we’re just good friends. He’s my closest friend who’s a boy. But he’s not really my boyfriend. 

Me: Well, thanks for the clarification… Hey, J?

J: Yeah, Mom?

Me: I love watching you grow. It’s a really great view. 

J: Beaming from the back seat, ear to ear…

#bestviewever #motherhood #firstcrush #parentingwin

*all names have been changed