Awkward Convos with Kids: A Natural Continuation

The following conversation is a natural continuation of previous conversations we've had with the kids regarding human bodies, reproduction, and how it all fits together. These conversations each begin with child lead curiosity and are followed by age appropriate discussions using honesty, real words for anatomy, and answering their questions, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it may be.

This is not the first conversation we've had on the matter, and will not be the last. We believe in education over ignorance and communication over silence.

That being said, this is what I woke up to this morning:
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Convos With Kids: Self Discovery (aka: intro to womanhood part 3, 1 year & 28-35 days later)

If you are uncomfortable taking about human anatomy, as they come up in honest, albeit awkward, conversations with children, or are possibly a visual person, you should stop reading now. If you want a chuckle, and understand that this is an educational post, please proceed…

K-Mad, while dressing herself: My tushy is decowated! See?  It has a decawation inside hewe!

She attempts to show me. 

Me: please don’t show me your tushy unless you think there’s a problem. However, that’s not a decoration. That’s your anus. 

K, looking horrified: I do NOT have a pwanet in my butt!

Me: No, not Uranus. Anus. It’s where your poop comes out. 

K: Oh, so it’s not a flowa?

Me: No. Not even a little. 

K: So it’s cawed a wenis? Dat whymes wif penis!

Me: No it’s called your anus. 

K, clarifying: But not the pwanet. 

Me: Correct. Not the planet. 

K: But wait! I fought my poop comes out hewe. (Points to her vagina.) 

Me: No, that’s your vagina. 

K: So what comes out of dis hole?

Me: Babies. 

K: Then whewe does the pee come out?

Me: A smaller hole above your vagina called a eurethra. 

K, looking confused: Wait, how do the babies get in your pachina?

Me: I have a book about that. We’ll have to read it when we get home. 

K: Ok, Mommy. So my butt’s not decowated?

Me: No. 

K: Ok. But if it was, my poop would be a wot pwettia! 

Me: It sure would! Now please, go wash your hands… 

​

Convos with Kids #247365711: Maybe

K-Mad: Mom, can we watch a movie when we get home?

Me: Maybe

K-Mad: That means sometimes yes, sometimes no. 

Bud: No. That means no. 

K-Mad: No, Bud! It means sometimes yes and sometimes no!

Bud: Nu-uh! When Mommy says, “Maybe,” she always means, “No.” You don’t know! 

K-Mad: That’s not true! I do so know!

Lady J: Actually, he’s right, K-Mad. You haven’t been around as long as we have but trust us, maybe is mom code for no. 

K-Mad: Daddy? When we get home can we watch a movie? 

Convos with Kids #247365711: How to get your Children to Never Brush Their Teeth Again

Overheard while doing the dishes:

MTK, for the 4th time: It’s time to brush teeth! 

Kids: continuing to ignore him

MTK: You have to go straight to bed if you don’t brush your teeth. 1, 2… K-Mad, where are you going?

K-Mad: Stwaight to bed. 

MTK: But you have to brush your teeth. 

K-Mad: But you dust said ta go to bed if I don’t bwush my teef…

#wellplayed #touché #parentingfail

Convos With Kids #247365711: A Glimpse into the Future

The following conversation happened 5 minutes ago, but I’m fairly certain it was supposed to take place 12 years from now…

K-Mad, out of nowhere and with all the sass and attitude of a full fledged teen, left hand on hip, right hand waving in the air: Uh! Mom! Why do you always ask me if I’m smoking?!?! I told you alweady! I! Do! Not! Smoke! 

Me, having no idea what she’s talking about: Uuuuummmm…. What are you talking about?

K: I don’t smoke. It’s just not healfy, ya know. I know that alweady! I’m tired of telling you this! Uuuuh! I! Do! Not! Smoke!

Me, still scratching my head: Well, alrighty then… Thank you for not smoking? 

K: You! Awe! Welcome!

Seriously looking forward to her teenage years…and possible bording schools…

#ThankYouForNotSmoking #GlimpseIntoTheFuture #NoJustNo

Convos with Kids #24.7.365-7.11: Observations of a 4 Year Old

Part 1: Childhood Is

Childhood is the view from the car window and sudden realization with honest awe that geese really do fly in a V formation while “Here Come the Geese” by Barenaked Ladies plays in the background… 

——————–

Part 2: Amore

Me, singing mindlessly to myself: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore…

K-Mad: That’s a funny song! What does it mean?

Me: Huh. I never really thought about it. I guess it’s that feeling you get when you see someone you love. It brightens your mood up like the light from a full moon brightens the sky. I guess it makes your eyes brighten up too when you look at someone you love. 

K: Like how Daddy looks when he sees you?

—————-

Part 3: Here We Grow

K-Mad: Mom, did you know vat da wowd is Vvvvvery not berry? I can say it! Ver-ry! Very! Did ya heaw that? Guess I’m gwowing up and gettin’ bigga…

Convos with Kids #24.7.365-7.11: Anticipation 

Me: K-Mad! It’s time to get ready to go to Eva’s birthday party!
K, very excited: Is tomorrow today?

Me: Yes! Yesterday, today was tomorrow, but now tomorrow is today!

K: Oh yay! I waited a whole day for that to happen and now it’s finally here! (Runs to share the news with J & B) Guys! Guess what! Tomorrow is today! It really is! I’m so excited! It finally happened! 

#thiskid

CWK 24.7.365-7.11: On Dementia 

(The original convo took place on January 14, 2014. Thanks “Facebook memories” for this gem 😉)

A group from a nursing home was at the community center while I was there with Lady J & Bud. One woman was particularly drawn to the kids and wanted to play air hockey with them. After leaving the kids were wondering why she was playing with her hands and why she didn’t know the rules, among other behaviors. A conversation about getting older, more forgetful, and dementia ensued. This was the end of it:

Bud: Oh gee. I hope I don’t get de-men-ta

J: That’s ok if you do, buddy. You won’t remember anyway!

CWK #24.7.365-7.11: The F Word

Lady J, timidly: Mom? What does fuck mean?

Bud: Heh, heh. Fuck.

Me, more than a bit dumbstruck: Where did you hear that word?

J: Stewart* asked me if I know what the “F” word is and I told him, “No.” Then Mathew* spelled it: f-u-c-k. I told them I didn’t know that word, but I could sound it out. Mom? What does fuck mean?

Inner-momologue: Oh Fuck! Crappity crap crap fuck this shit and the asshole who mentioned it to a second grader and now my kids know it, even though I’ve probably fucked up a few times in front of them too, FUCK!

Me: Well, first of all you should both know that it is a word that is rude, disrespectful, and will get you sent to Mr. Wollensky’s* office immediately, should you say it at school. In school, it’s worse than “stupid” or even “hate”. It will also get you sent to your room at home.

J: I know that, but what does it mean?

Me: Well, most adults use it when something goes wrong, like “Oh no!” or, “Oh dear!” 

J: Why wouldn’t they just say, “Oh no” or, “Oh dear” then? Or even, “Oh my goodness?”

Me: Sometimes, in the adult world, things go so wrong that a stronger word comes to mind first. It’s not polite, but it happens. 

Bud: Fuck! I can’t buckle my seatbelt! Heh, heh, heh. 

Me: Bud, you may not use that word. Not even to repeat it. Next time, it’s a timeout. No warnings. 

Bud: Poop. Well, I guess that’s ok. 

J: But, Mom, if it just means, “Oh no,” then why is it a bad word. What does it really mean?

Inner momologue: Fuuuuuuuuuck!

Me: I honestly need to discuss this with Daddy before telling you the real definition of the word.

J: Why do you need to talk to Daddy about what a word means?

Me: You asked a great question and I want to answer it honestly, yet appropriately. It’s a word that has some pretty grownup meanings and I want to make sure Daddy and I are both present for this conversation…

… The conversation we had at dinner included explaining that the word “fuck” was a derogatory word that often referred to disrespectful references towards outer appearances and inappropriate behavior. In their language we used terms such as “bucket dipping” and “bullying” and made sure that they knew it was a word that is never acceptable to use towards another person nor to be accepted in a humorous manner when directed at another person. We let them know that anyone who refers to them using that word is not a friend and that they may stand up for up for themselves, while they also have an obligation to stand up for others if that word is used against them and to report it to us, a teacher, or another trusted adult….I hope it fucking worked….

#innocencelost #herewegrow #convoswithkids #thefword #sothathappened

*all names have been changed