Awkward Convos with Kids: The Umteenth Installment, Family Dinner

Me: Ok. So tell me something you learned today.

J: We’re learning about physics in science.

Me: Cool! Can you explain it?

J: It’s all about motion like what goes up must come down and objects in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an opposite force.

Me: Right. Like your seatbelt.

J: Or a windshield.

K: Well that’s morbid.

Max: I learned that rotation of mass plus friction equals curve.

J: Like a curve ball?

Max: Yes. In theory.

K-Mad: What’s a boner?

Max: Not anything appropriate to discuss at the dinner table.

Me: I’ll explain it, but I’m just curious, where did you hear that?

K: Some of my friends asked if I knew what it was.

J: This is cringy.

Me: Ok. We’ll discuss those details later.

K: So do you know what it is?

Max: I do.

Me: So what is it?

Max: It’s when a boy has an erection.

K: I still don’t know what that means.

J: It means hard.

K: What’s hard?

Me: A penis.

K: Why would a penis be hard?

J: May I be excused?

Me: Are you done eating?

J: I lost my appetite.

Max: I wonder why.

K: That’s what I want to know. Why?

Me: There are lots of reasons but the main science reason is so the penis can enter the vagina for reproduction.

K: And it needs an eruption?

Max: An erection.

J: The eruption comes later.

K: I’m really sorry I asked.

J: We all are, K-Mad.

Max: Soooo I’m just gonna clear the table and pretend we only discussed physics and not biology tonight at dinner.

J: We all are, Max. We all are.

Convos with Kids: Condiments

The following conversation is part of a larger ongoing child-driven conversation about puberty and everything that comes with it. We consistently answer all questions with age appropriate honesty and use correct anatomical language. That being said, most of these conversations catch me off guard and are quite awkward, albeit highly entertaining. Enjoy 😉

Jordyn: Mom, what’s a condiment?

Me: A condiment is something you use to add flavor to your food like ketchup, mustard, relish, or mayonnaise.

J: No. That’s not it. You know how I have that book about how babies are made?

Me, realizing she meant condom and not condiment and trying to keep my cool: Yep. We haven’t read it in a while.

J: Well the book said something that goes over the penis and I didn’t get it.

Me: Yes. That’s a condom. It’s a latex cover that goes over the penis to prevent the man’s sperm from entering the vagina. It can prevent pregnancy and can also prevent people from accidentally getting each other sick through intercourse.

Max: So a condom is a penis cover and condiment is a food cover. They’re synonymous!

Me, chuckling: I think you missed the point, Dude.

Max: So then is a condom a synonym with a balloon since they’re both made out of latex?

Me, laughing and thinking back to my childhood when one of my sisters may have made (extremely slippery and highly fragile) water balloons out of some condoms she found in my parent’s bedroom and my father’s subsequent reaction: No. Not even a little.

J: Well anyway, I was looking through the book last night about the S-E-X part.

Me: Okaaayyyy…

K: Mom, does S-E-X spell six?

M: Uh! Kennedy, the number six is S-I-X. S-E-X is sex.

K, upset with Max for correcting her: Well I don’t know what that is!

J: Kennedy, sex is when a man’s penis goes into a woman’s vagina to make a baby.

K: Eeeewwwww. I am NEVER doing that!

Max: Me neither. That’s gross. Besides, I don’t want to have a baby.

Me: Well that is totally respectable and absolutely your decision to make. Your bodies, your choices.

J: So the book said that sometimes people have sex even when they’re not trying to make a baby.

Me: Yeeessss….That’s true…

Max: But why? Why-in-the-world-would-anyone-do-that?

Me: Max, I’m honestly not ready to answer that for you right now. Let me think about the right way to discuss it with you and we can come back to that another time.

J: But that’s what a condom is for?

Me: Yes

Max: But not a condiment.

Me: Correct. Hey! Let’s clear the table and finish getting ready for school!

Redefinition #24.7.365-7.11: Headbang

Headbang: verb

That moment when you’ve spent the day accomplishing every tedious task on your to do list including but not limited to laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, taking out trash & recycling, straightening out the damn rug that’s always lopsided and actually gorilla gluing that shit to the pad underneath, finally changing all closet knobs in kid’s rooms because one has been broken since you purchased the house in May, showering and putting on real clothes and maybe some makeup, spending 1/2 hour on hold waiting to speak with IKEA customer service to find out if an item could be placed on hold until your husband arrives because he is driving from one IKEA to another because he’s not very good at planning ahead in his personal life {with a few exceptions that may or may not be explained in another post} and he’s actually quite surprised that the one item he wants isn’t available THE WEEK OF CHRISTMAS and his honest surprise doesn’t surprise you at all, but IKEA is a first come first serve store and shipping on that item costs 4x the price of the actual item so he drives to the next state and next IKEA with your 4yo while you continue to meal plan and make a shopping list for the upcoming holiday that you are hosting, cook dinner, set dinner table, get child’s CCD costume ready for the play that you just learned about this morning even though the play is tonight and you’re the parent from the other faith of your interfaith marriage, text fervently with class parents from public school trying to figure out if you were supposed to do anything for the class winter party or if there is even a party since the class parents haven’t mentioned anything about the supposed party that is on the calendar for tomorrow but your children have said isn’t happening due to “too many allergies” in the class, take a deep breath, wrap and hide all gifts for the next round of “holidaze”, clean up, realize you actually got it all done and are ready to celebrate but just as you’re leaving to go pick kids up from school, the doorbell rings and you see yet another package from UPS that contains things that need to be wrapped while your husband backs into driveway with 2 IKEA boxes in the trunk that will need to be assembled…

 #soclose #nicetry #bangsheadonwall #holidaze

(This #redefinition brought to you by P&BS {Parenting & Baloney Sandwiches} and sponsored by Murphy’s Law Firm, the only firm you can count on for true accountability.)

CWK #24-7-365.7-11: The Crush

Me: Why do you look so glum?

Lady J: Someone has a crush on me. 

Me: Ok…Why are you upset about this?

J: Because I’m just not ready for crushes. I’m not old enough. 

Me: Well I’m glad you recognize that and I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the universe, your father’s hair just started to grow back. But, J, a crush isn’t a bad thing. 

J: It’s not?

Me: No! It just means that this boy recognizes how special you are! It should fill your bucket! 

J: But I’m not ready to have a crush on anybody. 

Me: That’s very mature of you! You don’t have to have a crush on anybody. But it is important to be respectful of this boy’s feelings and not to dip into his bucket through unkind words or actions. Just keep being you… Incidentally, how do you know he has a crush on you?

J: Matthew* told me that David* has a crush on me. So I asked David if that was true and he said, “Yes.”

Me: Huh. Well you were brave to find out the truth and David was brave to tell you. Great job! I’m curious though, is Connor* still your boyfriend?

J: Mom, we’re just good friends. He’s my closest friend who’s a boy. But he’s not really my boyfriend. 

Me: Well, thanks for the clarification… Hey, J?

J: Yeah, Mom?

Me: I love watching you grow. It’s a really great view. 

J: Beaming from the back seat, ear to ear…

#bestviewever #motherhood #firstcrush #parentingwin

*all names have been changed 


That moment when you’re soaking in the tub for the first time in 7 YEARS because baths aren’t really your thing but between athletic injuries, motherhood, moving (several times), doing your best at finding-the-funny, staying positive, and life-in-general you figure that perhaps it’s time to try out this Epsom Salt fad, so you light your one aromatic candle (because candles aren’t really your thing either because, well, FIRE) and you fill the tub with organic, non-gmo, gluten-free, super-fruit-extract, ass-firming bubbles mixed in with a few teaspoons {and-then-some} of relaxing lavender scented Epsom bath salts and hunker down, eyes closed with a glass of {boxed} red wine in hand {because you’re fancy like that} and just as you’re maybe-sorta-kinda-starting to get it, you hear the giggles of two little girls whom you had foolishly assumed were sleeping soundly for the past 45 minutes because it’s 9-farking-PM and bedtime was 2 HOURS ago and as you denyingly open one eye you see them disrobe and begin to climb in with you while both taunting and laughing at you, and you protest IN VAIN and finally give in because you remember that baths aren’t really your thing anyway… #motherhood #giggleswithmygirls