Oh No She Di-int (but yes she did) 

You know your Zoloft is working when:

While PMSing, you emerge from your bedroom to find your oldest child scaling over the railing at the top of the stairs indicating that she just climbed the stairs via the banister and you miraculously keep your shit together and calmly explain how dangerous that was and how she could seriously get injured {“break yourself” was the actual terminology used} and that “next time it will most definitely be a spankable offense and there will probably be a lot of very loud yelling but for now just please go to your room for the next 20 minutes” and you suggest putting away her clothes and reading to pass the time while you take a deep breath and begin to research local indoor climbing facilities while wondering if that’s really a smart parenting move… 😳


Dude, Where’s My Car?

That moment when you pull into a parallel parking spot at your children’s school for dismissal and masterfully use your backup cam to reverse towards the car behind you and stop just as your warning is barely on yellow and well before red knowing you have three feet of space between you and the afore mentioned car. The car to your front is a good ten feet away and has another five feet of room to pull up further which would leave space for another car to fit in, which would be nice since the lack-of-street-parking situation at school is laughable, parents are not permitted to park in the faculty lot {a rule many blatantly ignore}, and it’s raining. 

Anyway, as you put your car in park, the car behind you beeps as though you’re too close. You put the car back into reverse but hold the brake pedal to make sure you’re in the clear and see that your bumper is still feet away from his car so you shift back to park and turn off your engine. He steps out of his car, raises his hands in utter disbelief, and the gentleman parked five feet behind him does the same, as if they were signaling each other with some sort of primitive male caveman language, “Can you believe this woman?” “She should learn how to drive!”

As I’m watching this signed conversation in my rearview mirror and twirling my hair, the valley girl voice in my head starts having fun,

“Like, I’m totally sorry I only left you a few feet of room for your car’s personal space! I don’t know WHAT I was thinking! Silly me! I’m just another stay-at-home-soccer-mom with a car that’s WAY too big for me to handle! I’m such a ditz! I even forgot my bumper sticker that boasts about my perfect family and kids’ accomplishments! What ever is a girl to do? Oops! Sorry!” 

And then I punched him in the throat and told him that he should learn how to drive… But not really…

Convos with Kids #247365711: Maybe

K-Mad: Mom, can we watch a movie when we get home?

Me: Maybe

K-Mad: That means sometimes yes, sometimes no. 

Bud: No. That means no. 

K-Mad: No, Bud! It means sometimes yes and sometimes no!

Bud: Nu-uh! When Mommy says, “Maybe,” she always means, “No.” You don’t know! 

K-Mad: That’s not true! I do so know!

Lady J: Actually, he’s right, K-Mad. You haven’t been around as long as we have but trust us, maybe is mom code for no. 

K-Mad: Daddy? When we get home can we watch a movie? 

The Same Moon

Lady J has an Israeli pen-pal through a wonderful program called The Same Moon, set up by our former religious school.  She has spent the year writing back and forth with her pen pal in preassigned topics.  We spend time discussing each topic and what she wants to say before and she dictates the letter as I type.  Last month’s topic was “good deeds.” Below is the letter she composed.  There are no words for the simultaneous pride and heartache I feel:

“It was so nice to talk to you last week on Skype! What time was it in Israel when we talked?  My mom said it was close to dinner time.  It was still morning where I was.  My little sister always gets excited when tomorrow becomes today.  I guess in Israel my today is your yesterday, at least for part of the day.  Is that confusing?  It confuses me too. My mom calls me a philosopher.  I don’t know what that means.

When is your birthday?  My birthday is in the summer.  I think I want to have a sleepover party for my birthday.  But this year, instead of getting gifts from my friends, I want to collect sleeping bag-coats for homeless people. They’re called “The EMPWR Coat” and it’s a coat that turns into a sleeping bag for night time and then a bag on days when you don’t need a warm coat.  It looks really cool and can help save lives. I learned about it after I told my idea to collect sleeping bags for homeless people to my mom.  She showed me the website http://www.empowermentplan.org and I knew I had to try to give as many coats as I could.  My mom says that’s a Mitzvah.

I try to help homeless people out whenever I can.  One time, I saw a homeless man and asked my parents if we could give him some food.  He looked so lonely and hungry.  I bought him a blueberry muffin, a banana, and some water.  I wish I could do more.

Sometimes I run with my mom, too.  When she runs, she uses an app on her phone that’s called Charity Miles.  We choose a charity to run for and for each mile we run, some money gets donated.  We usually run for Back on My Feet, because they help the homeless too.

A few years ago, our house caught fire.  I don’t remember that much but I know it was really scary.  Sometimes I remember the house but only bits and pieces.  After the fire, we had to live with my mom’s parents for a little while and then my dad’s parents too.  We finally bought a new house this year, but we were really lucky we had our family to help us before that.  I guess I just want to help the people who don’t have family to take care of them, the people who don’t have homes.

Another thing I do with my family is donating things we don’t use anymore.  We go through our toys, clothes, and books every few months and decide what needs to be recycled, handed down, or donated to those in need.  I’m glad I can help.

Other ways I try to do Mitzvot are just by being a good leader and doing the right thing.  In school we learn about the 7 habits and I try to follow them. I’ve won a few “Leader In Me” awards. In Hebrew School, it’s called Mench of the Month. I won a few of them too.  I just try to follow the rules, try my best, and treat other people nicely.  It seems to be working so I guess I’ll stick to this plan.

I can’t wait to get your next letter!  Maybe we can FaceTime with each other sometime.  That would be cool.”

Convos with Kids #247365711: How to get your Children to Never Brush Their Teeth Again

Overheard while doing the dishes:

MTK, for the 4th time: It’s time to brush teeth! 

Kids: continuing to ignore him

MTK: You have to go straight to bed if you don’t brush your teeth. 1, 2… K-Mad, where are you going?

K-Mad: Stwaight to bed. 

MTK: But you have to brush your teeth. 

K-Mad: But you dust said ta go to bed if I don’t bwush my teef…

#wellplayed #touché #parentingfail

Convos With Kids #247365711: A Glimpse into the Future

The following conversation happened 5 minutes ago, but I’m fairly certain it was supposed to take place 12 years from now…

K-Mad, out of nowhere and with all the sass and attitude of a full fledged teen, left hand on hip, right hand waving in the air: Uh! Mom! Why do you always ask me if I’m smoking?!?! I told you alweady! I! Do! Not! Smoke! 

Me, having no idea what she’s talking about: Uuuuummmm…. What are you talking about?

K: I don’t smoke. It’s just not healfy, ya know. I know that alweady! I’m tired of telling you this! Uuuuh! I! Do! Not! Smoke!

Me, still scratching my head: Well, alrighty then… Thank you for not smoking? 

K: You! Awe! Welcome!

Seriously looking forward to her teenage years…and possible bording schools…

#ThankYouForNotSmoking #GlimpseIntoTheFuture #NoJustNo

Convos with Kids #24.7.365-7.11: Observations of a 4 Year Old

Part 1: Childhood Is

Childhood is the view from the car window and sudden realization with honest awe that geese really do fly in a V formation while “Here Come the Geese” by Barenaked Ladies plays in the background… 


Part 2: Amore

Me, singing mindlessly to myself: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore…

K-Mad: That’s a funny song! What does it mean?

Me: Huh. I never really thought about it. I guess it’s that feeling you get when you see someone you love. It brightens your mood up like the light from a full moon brightens the sky. I guess it makes your eyes brighten up too when you look at someone you love. 

K: Like how Daddy looks when he sees you?


Part 3: Here We Grow

K-Mad: Mom, did you know vat da wowd is Vvvvvery not berry? I can say it! Ver-ry! Very! Did ya heaw that? Guess I’m gwowing up and gettin’ bigga…

Convos with Kids #24.7.365-7.11: Anticipation 

Me: K-Mad! It’s time to get ready to go to Eva’s birthday party!
K, very excited: Is tomorrow today?

Me: Yes! Yesterday, today was tomorrow, but now tomorrow is today!

K: Oh yay! I waited a whole day for that to happen and now it’s finally here! (Runs to share the news with J & B) Guys! Guess what! Tomorrow is today! It really is! I’m so excited! It finally happened! 


It Happens

That moment when you have just finished a lovely ladies afternoon with your youngest daughter and friends and you’re on your way to your older children’s school to wait for dismissal and the school nurse calls to see if you can pick up your middle child early from school, because there was an apparent accident in his classroom that he was not directly involved in; however, he did step in it, literally, and is in need of a change of clothes and shoes {and to be sanitized in a clean room decontamination area from head to toe just as a precaution.} So you ask if you can pick up your oldest daughter early too because you don’t have time to go home to get him showered, changed, and return before actual dismissal time, which of course is fine because the school recognizes what a crappy situation this is.

Minutes later, you arrive at school and carry your now sleeping child instead of waking her because she is shoeless from getting her first pedicure, it’s a cold, rainy, winter day, keeping her locked in the car is generally frowned upon in the parenting {and legal} world, she’s often quite unpleasant upon waking, and frankly, you have enough schtuff to deal with, so you keep it real and carry on. 

In the school office you begin to sign your children out but get stuck on the section that asks for a reason for the early dismissal and want to write in “it happens” but politely defer to “minor accident” to decrease the load of paperwork that may follow. You and the school office manager have a good laugh in apparent solidarity, I-can’t-evens,and what-the-hell-just-happened-ness, while your {now awake} youngest shows off her toes and you instruct your son to stop moving around and not to touch ANYTHING, especially with his shoes which is a problem because, as he points out, he can’t fly, all the while forgetting that his CLEAN rain boots are in his book bag…

You walk to the car where you open the back of your SUV to put him in and remove his shoes with a plastic bag. As he begins to climb over the back seat you notice that he had clearly sat on his feet before realizing his shoes were covered in it so you remove his pants and place them in the plastic bag and wonder what the parent parked behind you must be thinking as your son climbs pant-less into his seat, but you don’t really care all that much, and you head home for a glass of wine (or 2) because, on days like today, it doesn’t much matter that it’s not 5 o’clock anywhere…😳💩