Stream of Consciousness: The Mysterious Bruise

Posted in Momologues, So that happened by

That moment when you’re having a lazy Saturday morning and you’re sitting on the couch next to your child, watching a movie and you notice his chin is bruised and seems to have a rash and no less than one BAZILLION thoughts fly through your head like lightning, gaining speed and intensity as the list rapidly grows: Did he bump it? Does it hurt? How long has it been there? Was it there when he woke up? Did it happen in his sleep? Why didn’t you look at him carefully earlier than this moment? There was no time. Make more time. Should I call the pediatrician? Should we go to the ER? Is it contagious? What is it? It could be a rash. Is it swollen? Did he knock a tooth loose? It could be anything. It’s probably nothing. It could be meningitis, hepatitis, any-itis! Does it hurt when you turn your head? Does he have a fever? Is he exhibiting signs of a concussion? Can you follow my finger? How many fingers do you see? Work on counting skills. His eyes are focused. He might be cross eyed. Should I compare it to pictures on WebMD? No, then he’ll have cancer. Call the pediatrician. Get kids dressed as quickly as possible in case you must flee to the doctor or emergency room. There’s no time to clean up. Clean up while you wait for the doctor to call you back. Should I wake up my husband. Only if we need to leave. Should I wake him just in case and have him look too? No, you can handle this. Get him an ice pack for the bruise. What the hell is it?  Why is it so circular? Has it spread? Check the rest of his body. Does it look like Lymes disease? Check body for deer ticks. Stop freaking out. It’s probably nothing. Is he going to die? Why hasn’t the doctor called back yet? Stop looking at pictures online and trying to diagnose the mystery.  You did not go to medical school. I should have gone to medical school. Think back to lifeguarding. Is it in the first aid manual? You shouldn’t have let your certifications lapse. WHY HASN’T the DOCTOR CALLED?!?!?!?!? He Is Going To DIE!!!!!!! Please no!  Please let him be ok. Don’t do this to me. Take that toy cup off your chin so you can put ice the back on it….Oh, the cup…Did you suck and suction the cup on your chin? Mmmmmm-Hmmmmm…. Click! It’s a hickey…. He gave himself a HICKEY…. Who wants popcorn? 

 

Convos with Kids #247365711: Birds & Bees

Posted in Convos With Kids by

Part 1:

Lady J: Mom, I know a fertilized egg hatches into a chicken and an unfertilized egg is the kind we eat. But, how does the egg become fertilized?

Me: 😳 

{side note: I have no idea how this schtuff works with birds…mental note: ask SIRI…} 

——————————————-

Part 2:

Lady J: Mom, I think I’m ready for a sleepover. 

Me: That’s great! I’ll see if we can set one up!

J: Great! (She rattles off a list of friends and cousins she’d like to have over.) Also, what about _______? Can I have a sleepover with HIM?

{Side note: _______ = her boyfriend}

Me: Um, no. Boys and girls don’t usually have sleepovers together. 

J: So is that a rule you and Daddy made up?

Me: I think it’s just a general parenting rule. But I really don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. It’s just how it is. 

J: Why?

Me: I. Don’t. Know? Hmmmm, I’ll ask some other parents and see what they say. 

J: Wouldn’t it be easier if there was a rule book?

Me: You have no idea…

Side note: please provide parenting feedback on either or both conversations. Inquiring minds want to know…

PS: Do NOT mention this to Mr. TheKing. He does not to lose what’s left of his hair…

  

Convos with Kids #247365711: I Wear my Sunglasses at Night

Posted in Convos With Kids by

Me: Are you sleeping with your sunglasses on?

K-Mad: Yeah. It’s too bwight in hewe wifout dem. 

Me: Do you want me turn off the light instead?

K-Mad: Nah. Dat’s ok, Momma. Den it would be too dawk. 

Me: If I turn off the light, you could take off the sunglasses. I can bring in another nightlight too, so it’s just right. 

K-Mad: No fanks, Mom. Dis wowks. I be aw-wight. It’s dust so I can see at night!

#ThisKid #SunglassesAtNight #CoreyHart

 

DEAR Time

Posted in Moments, Momologues by

That moment when you hear dawdling and playing behind the closed door and you’re ready to storm in and give the ALL POWERFUL COUNT TO THREE because of course you’re running late and it’s only Monday and you’ve already told them at least a BAZILLION times to get dressed, make beds, brush teeth, put your toys away, check under the beds, open the curtains, and pack your school bags…but when you open the door you see DEAR (drop everything and read) time happening and your oldest is reading to your middle and the giggles are from a funny part in the book and your academic worries as a parent begin to melt away knowing that the magic of reading and the bond between siblings is growing and suddenly being late isn’t the worst thing that can happen…

  

#HappyMonday #DeepBreath #SlowAndSteady #LivingInTheMoment

The Call

Posted in Momologues by

I have a planning conference call next week scheduled for after bedtime and I suspect here’s how it’ll go down:

I’ll set two reminders: one for a day before and one for 5 minutes before.

The first reminder will remind me to keep the kids from napping the day of the conference to ensure that they go right to sleep, possibly even a little early.

Despite my best efforts to keep her awake, K-Mad will inevitably fall asleep on the couch around 4, while I’m cooking dinner and helping Lady J with her homework.  I’ll move K-Mad to her bed, but without a nap time diaper. She’ll wake up 20ish minutes later, soaked from head to toe, thus adding to the continuous laundry cycle, which is often more dependable than the life cycle of a frog you learn about in third grade.

Speaking of frogs, her blankie “Froggie” will also be soaked and in need of a bath with her bedding and clothes. This will cause an uproar of epic proportions… And another tantrum hours later when she realizes I forgot to move the load into the dryer and it’s bedtime. But the actual time won’t matter much because her 20 minute cat-nap was just long enough to fuel her well into the night…

Bud will stay awake for the long haul, but around 4:30, 4:45, 5:00, 5:01, and 5:06 I’ll remember why he still kinda needs a nap, and internally weigh the options of the nap/no-nap dilemma for the gazillionth time.  He’ll go to sleep early without much of a fight, but then wake minutes before the call as though it was just a nap, not actually bed time. He won’t require much: just a banana, a back rub, warm milk, and a spot in our bed, right between us, to watch TV while he enjoys his “midnight” snack.

Lady J will have gone to bed on time, but will still be awake, singing to her stuffed animals. Unfortunately, she and Bud share a room, so you know the rest…

All of these shannanigans will have caused me to be out of my room and to miss the second alarm reminding me of the call.

After several back-and-forths, ups-and-downs, and about another hour, Mr. TheKing and I will finally have all three kids in bed, hopefully sleeping.

I will then proceed to pack lunches, fold laundry, write in their journals, and possibly (probably) pour a glass of wine (vodka). I’ll retire to our bedroom and attempt to unwind, veg out, and finally, sleep.

Minutes after I am finally asleep, AT LEAST one child will show up in our bedroom, carrying their own pillow and blanket to be set up on our floor. I will help them get settled and glance at my phone realizing that I missed the call…

#lifewithkids #murphy #callingit

The Closing: April 19, 2013

Posted in The Event by

Lao Tzu wrote, “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

Today, we closed on our property. We have not lived there for almost as long as we did live there.

We moved in when Lady J was 2 weeks old.  It quickly became home and it was meant to be our forever home. It had everything we needed at the time and potential for so much more: The upstairs was unfinished, so we finished it prior to the arrival Bud. We had 2 contractors walk through, the day before “the event” to give us estimates on adding a nursery for K-Mad who was just 16 weeks along in utero.

We had amazing neighbors. The guys would help with lawn care and golf together when possible. We would have them over for BBQs and football games. Their pool was open to us on hot summer days. Their children helped plow the driveway before my husband returned home from work. They came to help with the kids when the first trimesters got the best of me. They were great neighbors. The kind you want in your forever home, in your forever neighborhood…

Unfortunately, it is not our forever home, not our forever neighborhood. It has been close to 2 years since “the event.”  The property is nothing more than a charred foundation with a fence, an empty hole, a void…

There was once a possibility of rebuilding. There was once a glimmer of returning.

It’s not often that we go back to the neighborhood. It’s too painful. Too many memories of what once was, too many plans of what was supposed to be…

When I close my eyes and think about the possibility of a new home, all I see is this one.  I can’t imagine another layout, a different backsplash, new bedding… I know that will change in time, when we do have a new house and begin making it a home, but for today, for now, for this moment in time this is all I see…

So here’s to new beginnings. This painful book is far from its end, but at least this chapter is closed.

To good neighbors…may we be so lucky to find them again!

Classic: 1.23.15

Posted in Convos With Kids by

Lady J, on the way home from school: Punch Buggy Blue Classic! Hey, Mom? Is ‘classic’ synonymous with ‘old?’

Me: I guess it can be. It’s synonymous with a few different words.

Bud: Ya mean wike it can mean a bunch of things?

Me: Yes. Classic can mean ‘retro’ or ‘vintage’ or….

J, interrupting: So, ‘old’..as in ‘made in the olden days’ or ‘old fashioned’ but you still think it’s cool because you’re classic too?

#touché #wellplayed

Ps: Next week’s vocabulary lesson will include ‘nostalgia’ as in ‘remember the good old days when you were little and didn’t have any inkling that you were smarter than your mother’ and ‘remember back when you were also sweet without the sass?’

Adventures of K-Mad, NJ Shore edition, episode 247365711: Skinny Dipping

Posted in So that happened by

August 2014

K-Mad emerges from the pool, needing to use the facilities. I take her to go and remove her bathing suit. She ‘does her thing’ and refuses to put back on her wet bathing suit.  I acquiesce because 1) It’s a wet bathing suit and 2) I get that and 3) She’s 2 and 4) Like a pro, I {mostly} choose my battles with the wisdom of those who came before me and trained me well. (Thanks, Mom!)

So I wrap her up in a towel, carry her back to the pool deck and sit her on my lap. Plus, she’s very excited to be “incognito nudie-patootie” so it’s all good…

After a few minutes Bud requests a kick board from the side of the pool. I put K-Mad, still naked yet wrapped, on the chair, and proceeded to get the kick board for Bud. He swims away towards the deep end to hang with Lady J and….

…As I turn back towards the chairs, I see a towel-less naked K-Mad hop off the chair and step off the side of the pool deck and into the shimmering water with the all of the grace and form of an Olympic synchronized swimmer.

I jump in and grab her. She comes up, spouting water out like a beautiful garden fountain fairy and grinning ear to ear. “K-Mad!  You can’t swim AND you’re not wearing a bathing suit!” I exclaimed.

“Oh yeah, Mamma! I fowgot! Das so siwwy!” she laughed her trademark maniacal laugh, “Oopsies! Sowwy ’bout dat, Mom!”

#thiskid #sothathappened

(Thankfully, we were the only people at the pool, other than the lifeguards who we’re cleaning up for the day and didn’t seem to notice the nakedness of the situation. Also, I foresee boarding school, perhaps military, in her future)

Oh Sh*#! 8.7.14

Posted in Convos With Kids by

While watching The Goonies as I cook dinner, Lady J enters the kitchen and whispers, “Mom, what does shit mean? Because Chunk says it a lot in the movie. Like, a lot, and I just don’t know what it means.”

All I can think is, “Oh SH*#! This is the beginning of the end.”

From her tone I can tell she knows it’s not an appropriate word, and my initial thought is to respond harshly with the standard, “We DO NOT use that word. It is a bad word and I don’t EVER want to hear you say it. Understand?”

But a flash from my own childhood played in my head. I was standing at our front door, maybe around 8 years old. I asked what the word Hell meant. It was an honest question that I really didn’t know the answer to. I have no idea where I had heard it and I had no idea that it was an inappropriate word to use. So I asked. The reaction I got was less than explanatory, though I never said it again in front of my parents, as a child.

So I take a step back and answer her with honesty, “It means poop. But it’s not a nice word and you are not allowed to say it. It’s rude.”

“Is it like ‘hate’ and ‘stupid’?” She questions with translucent innocence.

“Yes,” I reply.

“Okay. Then I won’t say it. But Mommy?  Chunk says it a awfully lot of times when bad things happen that are also silly. It’s kinda funny. He kinda says it like when you say ‘oh dear’ or ‘oh my goodness,'” she chuckles knowing she nailed the context usage.

“Oh poop,” I mutter, “Here we go.”

She exits the kitchen quietly giggling, “Oh poop…”

#igotplayed