Category Archives: So that happened

sunglasses 

Posted in Momologues, So that happened by

That moment when you’re on vacation at the beach and there’s a giant wave that’s about to break and you have a choice to save your son or your sunglasses so you instinctively choose to grab your son instead of your sunglasses even though the wave wasn’t really all that big {you realize after the fact} plus he can swim rather well and he actually thought your attempt to grab him and save him from “eminent doom” was a shark attack but your “momma bear” reaction took over and you tried to prevent any harm to him as you have been trained to do as a lifeguard since the days of BC {before children} and moments later you realize that you not only scared your son into thinking the water was shark infested but you also lost your {good and only pair of} sunglasses in the wave and now you can no longer see in the bright southern sun as it reflects off the shimmering water and blinding sand so you try, in vain, to find them in the current and hope, pray, and cross your fingers that they wash up on shore all while getting an earful from your husband that you shouldn’t have been wearing those sunglasses in the water and that you are now (unfairly) relegated to wear dollar store glasses to the beach “just in case” even though (you don’t own any and) your track record for these sunglasses is pretty good considering they are 3 years old and you have yet to lose or damage them (not counting today) so when you average it all out, they have cost close to PENNIES per day so you go to sulk in the shallows and find shade for your burning eyes while your husband returns to the depths of the sandbar with your son and 20 minutes later, by sheer luck, he finds your sunglasses in another wave out in the ocean and almost looses his own sunglasses during the rescue and recovery…

#instantkarma #sothathappened #myhero #vacationwoes #vacationdosanddonts #firstworldproblems

CWK #247365711.2: 28-35 days later, the continuation of the conversation…

Posted in Convos With Kids, So that happened by

The following conversation is a natural follow-up to a conversation that began this past spring, when Lady J’s first grade class hatched chicks and learned about fertilized/unfertilized eggs. It then continued over the summer when the children learned of menstruation due to a bathroom door that doesn’t lock and an unrealistic expectation of parental privacy. This is the third installment and will undoubtedly NOT be the last: Continue reading →

Relaxation-Shmelaxation

Posted in Momologues, So that happened by

That moment when you’re soaking in the tub for the first time in 7 YEARS because baths aren’t really your thing but between athletic injuries, motherhood, moving (several times), doing your best at finding-the-funny, staying positive, and life-in-general you figure that perhaps it’s time to try out this Epsom Salt fad, so you light your one aromatic candle (because candles aren’t really your thing either because, well, FIRE) and you fill the tub with organic, non-gmo, gluten-free, super-fruit-extract, ass-firming bubbles mixed in with a few teaspoons {and-then-some} of relaxing lavender scented Epsom bath salts and hunker down, eyes closed with a glass of {boxed} red wine in hand {because you’re fancy like that} and just as you’re maybe-sorta-kinda-starting to get it, you hear the giggles of two little girls whom you had foolishly assumed were sleeping soundly for the past 45 minutes because it’s 9-farking-PM and bedtime was 2 HOURS ago and as you denyingly open one eye you see them disrobe and begin to climb in with you while both taunting and laughing at you, and you protest IN VAIN and finally give in because you remember that baths aren’t really your thing anyway… #motherhood #giggleswithmygirls 

  

CWK #247365711: An Intro to Womanhood

Posted in Convos With Kids, So that happened by

This may be TMI for some readers, but a few friends have recently questioned how to answer questions like those in the following conversation that recently happened.  Much as I’d like to, it’s nothing to shy away from or be embarrassed about when talking to your littles.  I have always maintained that honesty is the best policy when answering life’s (not so) little questions and to keep your answers appropriately worded and detailed for your child’s comprehension. That being said, it doesn’t make some parenting moments any less awkward… Continue reading →

CWK #247365711: The “Playground”

Posted in Convos With Kids, Politics and Shmolitics, So that happened by

Lady J: Mom, can we play on the beach playground?

Me: What beach playground?

Lady J: You know… The green and brown one. It’s right on the beach. The one with the climbing things and tunnels.

Me: There’s no playground on the… Wait, you mean the drainage pipe? Sure… Why (the heck) not. (I feel like getting berated by complete strangers as to how I should raise my children anyway.*) Let’s go!

Lady J: Thanks, Mom! You’re the best mom we’ve ever had!

(That last part always amuses me, no matter how many times I hear Lady J say it…)

*It should be noted that I was only berated by one complete stranger as MY children happily played on the “playground”. But that’s for another post at another time…maybe…

  

CWK #247365711: Talk to the Dad

Posted in Convos With Kids, So that happened by

So I’m sleeping, as many often do at 5am, and Bud comes in to our room to whisper, “Mom, I need a band-aid. I cut my penis.”

Most moms would probably throw the covers off and dart to an immediate “deer in headlights” stance trying to gather her wits while asking a bazillion questions, but I was caught in that middle time of dream land and life so his statement replayed in my head in that in between space for another hour or so while I sleepily asked if his penis was bleeding, which it was not, so I told him to go potty, get dressed, and make his bed. I would look at it when I woke up.

An hour later, he was dressed, I was awake, and we both seemed to forget about the whole (bizzarre) incident…until that night at bath time:

Bud: Mom, this is whewe I cut my penis. Look!

Me, wide eyed and having a horrific flashback in realization that it was not, in fact, a dream: Ooooohhhh, right! I see… It doesn’t look cut.

Bud: Yes it is. Look! (he shows me again.)

Me: Bud, that’s not a cut. thats where your urine comes out.

Bud: You mean my pee-pee? I know that! Look next to it!

Me, not seeing anything out of the ordinary: I’m going to call Daddy in. He might have more experience with this…Honey! (you don’t really think I call him “Mr. TheKing” for real, do you?) Can you come in here? Bud has something to show you!

Mr. TheKing enters the bathroom and I fill him in on the convo, so far.

MTK, looking horrified: Bud, how did this happen?

Bud: Well, my penis was cold so I twied to wawm it up.

MTK: On what?

Bud: My nightlight lightbulb.

MTK turns white as a ghost and proceeds: We NEVER touch lightbulbs. They get very hot. That was very dangerous.

Bud: I know that now, Daddy. I think I’m ok now. See? 

Me: Out of curiosity, why was your penis cold?

Bud: Because I took off my pajamas, of couwse!

Me: Bud, that’s why you’re supposed to get dressed when you wake up.

Bud: Oh! Wight! Well now I know that’s a weally good idea. I won’t fo-get that tomowwow!

#WhatTheWhat?!?!?!?!
#LessonLearned??????
#UnexpectedConvosWithKids
#NeverDull
#SoThatHappened…

Oh Ya Can’t Get To Heaven…

Posted in Convos With Kids, So that happened by

My mom used to sing us a song that I’ve recently introduced (remembered) to the kids:

Oh, ya can’t get to heaven, 

On rollerskates,

‘Cause you’ll roll right by

Those pearly gates…

I ain’t gonna cry, no more, no more…

Oh, ya can’t get to heaven,

In Grandpa’s car.

Cause Grandpa’s car

Won’t get that far…

There are several things wrong with this song, not the least of which is that being of Jewish heritage we don’t believe in heaven, per-say, but that is for a completely different post…

Anyway, the kids love the song and find it hilarious. They have been trying, to no avail, to add on verses for the last several weeks. Their rhyming, iambic pentameter, and humor still needs tweaking…

Well, wouldn’t ya know, Bud came up with a fine add-on verse during our trip to “Tayjay” today, that he proudly sang (LOUDLY) throughout the store:

Oh you can’t get to heaven, 

On mommy’s tush, 

‘Cause mommy’s tush, 

Has a prickly bush!

I ain’t gonna cry….mostly because I was laughing too hard….

Sooooo…..how was your day?

#SoTHATHappened

Mustn’t Cry

Posted in Momologues, So that happened by

Whoever said, “You mustn’t cry over spilled milk” clearly never had a child spill milk all over himself, the table, the floor, and his sisters mere minutes before it was time to leave to school… #justsayin’ #MadeItOnTime #IsItSummerYet?

The Dark One

Posted in So that happened by

Bud has a darker complexion than the rest of our family, which has, no doubt, been the root of a few awkward conversations:

A few months ago I brought him to the barber. I asked for a number 2 on top and a 1 around the sides. When the barber was done he asked if I wanted a “shape up.” I politely declined and he asked, “Are you sure? All the Puerto Rican kids are doing it.” The reality is that even if we were Puerto Rican, I still don’t like the look. But I couldn’t figure out how to politely tell him that was not our nationality without sounding either rude or possibly discriminatory, so I just smiled and declined again. #profiling?

A few months later we were back at the barber. When he was done with Bud’s cut he asked, How do you say thank you?” Bud replied, “Thank you!” The barber responded, “No, you say gracias.” Bud retorted, “Or you could say Todah Raba! That’s Hebrew for thank you!” The conversation ended there. #speechless

Yesterday, Bud had his kindergarten assessment. The school where he was tested happens to have a high population of Hispanic students. Upon entering, a teacher greeted Bud with a hearty, “Hola!” Bud politely answered, “I don’t speak Spanish,” to which she inquired how he knew it was Spanish. He gave me ‘the look’ and answered very matter of factly, “I’ve seen Dora.” #facepalm

I think he’s beginning to simultaneously spot the pattern and to realize that he’s smarter than most adults… #justsayin’

Dinner Convos with Kids

Posted in Convos With Kids, So that happened by

Bud: Guess what?

Me: Chicken butt

Take away: whole family in hysterics because I said, “chicken butt,” except Mr. TheKing because my response was inappropriate and sets a bad example. 

——————-

Lady J questions if I will die before Daddy since I am older. (It was related to a birthday conversation)

Mr. TheKing (jokingly) responds: Women generally live longer because men work and have added stress while women watch soaps and eat bonbons.*

Take away: sets children’s perception of equality and reality back to the 1950s #facepalm

————————

Poll: Whose joke was more inappropriate and detrimental to our children?

*Let it be publicly noted that Mr. TheKing and I have a running joke about what I actually do all day as a SAHM and his response, in no way, reflects his actual knowledge or opinion of said reality